Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Randomize
