I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
