My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
