yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
