Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
