genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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