you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
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I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
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Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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