I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
