Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
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Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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