My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
