why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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