I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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