DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
