Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable