thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.