It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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