All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.