I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
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So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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