I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.