God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
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I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
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I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
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