you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room