You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
