you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam