you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
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Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
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You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine