Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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