On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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