So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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