who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She even gives head with a lisp.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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