It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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