i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
