Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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