You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
