Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
