Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
This house was built for laser tag.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
