Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
