I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
