Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
