Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
