shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
