2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger