You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
