Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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