saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
