i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
