It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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