Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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