Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
