Apparently you make a good broom.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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