I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
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I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
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When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize