she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We have started to decorate penises.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
