I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
