Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
