textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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