My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
