Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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