I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
