I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
