I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
