woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
