Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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