I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
