There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
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i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
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Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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