I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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