I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
