This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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