what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
